The journey to Mordor
by cOrKy920
Summary: C.O.R Ky's epic story of the nine walkers. My feeble attempt at humor. Please R&R!
1. So the journey begins

(A/N: I completely reloaded the story due to typos and such. It's a little different. I warn anyone who might be soft stomached not to read this, much sex & drugs. Almost makes ya nauseous. Well, enjoy!)  
  
It was a cool, clear night, the only sounds outside were that of crunching leaves and breaking twigs, as two figures walked through the twilight. Breaking the near silence, someone spoke. "My dear, what if the others find out?" The voice was crisp and articulate, yet deep and rough. The next voice to speak sounded a bit like a child's voice. It shook as it spoke, whether from fear or the chilly wind seeping through his cloak, his companion could not tell. "Who will suspect? No one! Humans, their so oblivious to their surroundings." He let a snort of disgust escape him. "I suppose you're right my dear, just don't-" But suddenly, a third voice spoke, "So, you two thought you could betray him, well I'll have you know, Boromir is starting to suspect you two anyway! Pathetic, he comes up to me and says, 'Legolas, help, I think my dear Gimli is having an affair, with Pippin! The dratted hobbit!'" Gimli, a short & stout dwarf laughed nervously and said, "It was just a one time thing with Boromir, He always makes me do all the work in bed, considering I'm shorter than him, and I can reach his-" But Legolas cut him off with a sharp kick. "ENOUGH!"  
  
Right when Gimli was about to decapitate Legolas for kicking him in the elbow, Boromir charged out from the trees, crying and looking mad. "Damn it man, ya hurt me, my feelings. Gimli, why are you so sexy, so irresistible, I almost could forgive you!" At the words sexy and irresistible Pippin smiled and nodded, and Legolas tried not to barf as he imagined a grunting Gimli with nothing but his helmet on. "Listen, Borey dear, I am in love with Pippin, Pippin is in love with me, go bang Aragorn." But Boromir just wailed and said "Aragorn's beard pokes me when we kiss, and he has a strange obsession with licking my underarms. It's so not cool." Gimli sighed impatiently, Pippin muttered, "he licks underarms!? So cool!" And Legolas rolled his eyes and said, "Fuck this, ya'll can have your little soap opera right here, I'm going back to camp." Legolas bounded out of the woods without waiting for the others responses. Forgetting his elvish gracefulness he tripped. "Ouch, hafta wash my hair again!" He slowed down as he approached the campsite. He heard some yells and shrieks and took out his bow. He slowly crept towards the camp fire and saw a giant figure, standing over a smaller one.  
  
The larger figure appeared to be slapping the smaller figure in the head. Legolas sprinted out with a great yelp and fired many arrows at the figure. Suddenly, he stopped as he heard, "FUCK! MY ASS!" "Ok, I will baby." "No, someone shot my ass!" "Wow, I'm that good!" Legolas paused, from what he could here, Aragorn was banging Merry, Legolas shot Aragorn in the ass, and Merry had no clue what the hell was going on. "Who the hell shot me?" Screamed Aragorn in agony. Legolas ran over to Aragorn and said in sympathy, "Sorry, I thought you were molesting my hobbit friend here." Legolas laughed. Merry turned bright red as he desperately tried to cover himself with a leaf and Legolas laughed. "Shut the fuck up, you, you, assholes!" Said Aragorn in obvious pain. "Oh, feisty," Legolas spotted some chains lying coiled on the ground and once more laughed. "I suppose you weren't using these to capture orcs huh?" Aragorn winced and yelled for his lover. "Merry, please baby, remove the arrow from my ass, and I will lick your underarms!" Once more, Legolas tried to stop himself from hurling. It didn't work, he puked all over Merry. "EW!" Merry squealed poncing away with Aragorn.  
  
"Gawd, the only normal ones here are me, Frodo, Sam and Gandalf." He shook his head in disgust and slowly drew himself up. He walked away, listening to the sounds of Aragorn crying and Merry muttering soothing words to him. As he approached the tent he heard some more incredibly unwelcome sounds. "Oh, Gandalf, I love your staff, It's so long! And so magical!" Legolas peeked in the flap to a sight that haunted his nightmares and daydreams. Frodo sitting on Gandalf's lap, both of them completely nude except for feathery boas and sparkly high heels. Frodo was sucking on Gandalf's staff (his wooden one, the magic one) which was covered in chocolate syrup. Legolas backed up slowly, with a look of pure terror on his face. He was completely transfixed on that one image, to transfixed to realize that he had just passed Boromir. "Legolas, was I a horrible boyfriend, did I suck? I mean anything other than dick?" Legolas stopped and muttered, "you're all fucking mad." Boromir wailed. Leaves rustled. The wind blew. Finally, Boromir spoke. "I guess Gimli just likes guys his height. I mean, I never really suck, he just sucked mine. So I guess I deserved it, for being a self- centered asshole."  
  
Legolas sighed. "Leggy?" Muttered Boromir softly. "Don't call me that." Replied Legolas. "Soooorry! Listen, I'm scared. About two weeks ago, I had some fun with Frodo, and, er, he threatened to kill me if I didn't get you to have sex with him. What do I do?" Asked Boromir. He sounded genuinely scared and Legolas just sat. He mulled things over in his head. "Why would you be scared of a midget hobbit?" He asked. "This midget hobbit can shoot people, with his dingdong." Said Boromir. Legolas laughed so hard he thought he would pass out. "Ding-dong?" He laughed. "Yeah," he said sacredly, with his eyes wide. Legolas sat quite for a moment, but his thoughts were soon interrupted with "OH GIMLI, GIVE IT TO ME!" "Oh, Pippin, Jesus Fucking Christ, Love me baby!!!" "I DO, I LOVE YOU! WHEW!" Legolas wretched over a log. "Their really going at it huh?" Boromir said laughing and absentmindedly trying to cover up that his tight pants were bulging. All Legolas could think was, if I could shoot people with my dick, I'd have sex with them all. He got up and walked slowly to his tent. He washed his hair two times with Pantene Pro V and finally fell asleep.  
  
Boromir's big boots made soft noises on the freshly rained on ground. The wind chilled his face, and turned his tears to ice. Gimli walked close by him, occasionally brushing against one another. Finally Boromir spoke, "How long are we going to pretend that we're not having some issues?" He asked solemnly. Gimli stuttered a bit, looked bashfully around and then sighed. "Bor-bor, I don't know where we, us, are at. I thought it was just a one time thing, I mean, look at me, I'm 4'6, and you're 6'4! Too much difference!" He said. "Listen Gimli, I know you want me, why pretend, why make up stupid reasons for us not to be together?" Asked Boromir mournfully. "Boromir!" Gimli whined. "Listen, I like Pippin, I, I love Pippin! For once can you hear me out, we have absolutely zero chance for establishing a relationship!" "But Gimli, I love you." Said Boromir. "You are acting childish, we can't have a relationship. It's not possible!" Argued Gimli. They were heading back to camp, and they had no idea exactly how close they were. The whole fellowship was laughing at them. All except Pippin, who was looking utterly scandalized. "Stupid-lying-bastard-ass!" He muttered as he stared hatefully at Boromir.  
  
When Gimli came into sight, Pippin ran up to him. "Gim, baby, I thought the mean old bitch had molested you!" Legolas rolled his eyes, Sam was to busy staring at Frodo to look at them, Frodo staring at Gandalf, Gandalf staring back licking his lips and rubbing his staff. Aragorn was rubbing his ass and Merry was obviously taking it as a queue that Aragorn wanted something from him. Merry began breathing hard and Aragorn turned around. Merry licked his lips and Aragorn smiled. He whispered something in Merry's ear that made him giggle. The rest of the fellowship decided to leave in case they ended up witnessing some mad stuff going down on these rocks. Pippin and Gimli trailed off to the woods holding hands and kissing occasionally, the sight was rather sweet, yet incredibly sickening. Merry and Aragorn were now undressing one another. Boromir followed Legolas for some ways until Legolas turned around and whacked him in the head. "Oh! Sorry, thought you were Aragorn." Legolas lied. Boromir got up, rubbing his sore head and said "Listen, Legolas, I really like you. You're everything I want in a man." He said.  
  
Now Legolas had tried to ignore his feelings that Boromir liked him, but he knew he probably did. "Er, uh, GROSS!" He said using the first thing that popped into his head. But deep inside Legolas only thought of how much he wanted to hold Boromir. "No, I am not gay!" He thought to himself. He had been traumatized by past relationships. The time he was raped, by Saruman. Legolas shuddered and Boromir looked scandalized. He began to cry loudly as he scampered away. Boromir sat alone on a giant log for some time. He thought about how much he loved Legolas. And how much Legolas now hated him. Boromir heard a terribly loud yelp and ran as fast as he could to camp. He barged into the first tent from where the sound had come. He looked in on Aragorn and Merry making love wearing chicken hats and something that oddly looked like mustard across their chests. There was a collar on Aragorn's neck that had tags saying "Mer's boy." Boromir muttered his apology as Aragorn covered up and the little hobbit exhibitionist Merry let all hang out. Boromir sat outside the tent listening to the two having fun and he felt so lonely. His heart like a bloodless lump of coal beating needlessly against his chest.  
  
Suddenly, Frodo leapt out from behind a tree. "Boromir you god damned sick frickin puppy, have you gotten Legolas to agree to fucking me or not!?" He demanded. "Not yet, he's not gay." Muttered Boromir repressing a wail of sorrow. "Well I'd think not, no one here is gay! Anyway, Gandalf's staff broke, I've lost interest in him and Aragorn said my underarms taste like Lady Speedstick deodorant so I'm not going for him. Gimli's one ugly mofo if I do say so myself. And." Frodo continued in this manner until he'd insulted everyone but Legolas. "So, as you can see, he's the one for me!" Boromir sighed. "I'll work on him Frod." "How many fucking times do I have to tell you not to call me Frod?" Boromir replied thickly, "Sorry Frodo." The moment Frodo left Boromir pulled out some pipe weed. He smoked a hell of a lot of it and by the time Legolas came to admit his feelings Boromir was swinging on a pole naked singing "Hit me baby one more time." Legolas backed up looking scared and Boromir flew off the pole and next to him. "Pippin, would you like a jack rabbit to suck on? Or a mirror to bang, yeah, I LOVE LEGOLAS! Pippin, tell Sauron my mommy needs child support. Legolas!!!"  
  
"Shhhh," Said Legolas soothingly stroked Boromir's hair. Legolas pulled up Boromir onto his back and carried him to his tent. There he undressed him and put some different clothes on him. The whole time Boromir was muttering "where are your utters? I must milk the cow!" Aragorn and Merry walked in and Aragorn pointed out the obvious. "He's majorly stoned Legolas." Merry just looked at Legolas with pity. "You like him don't you?" Legolas blushed and didn't answer. "Legolas." "Yes okay? But Frodo will kill him if I go out with him!" He said his eyes glazing over as he stared lovingly at Boromir. "Then we'll have to kill Frodo first, by using his own weapon against him!" Frodo sat quietly staring out at the lake. He got majorly bored so he took out his dick and began shooting birds in the sky. Today the fellowship was gonna be moving away from their long time camp. They were planning on climbing some mountain. He heard someone behind him and he turned around. "Legolas. I knew you'd come sweety. Who can resist this luscious, sugar coated body? You look like you could use some fun, eh? Come here Legolas; let your body speak for you." He said surveying the elf hungrily.  
  
(A/N: No one ever reviews for me, guess my story just sucks, well, it's fun for me and I suppose that's all that matters. See ya next time!) 


	2. So the fun begins, sort of

(A/N: Okay, same stupid story as before. Legolas, off to kill Frodo. Have fun!)  
  
"Of course Frodo, of course." He replied seductively. "Oh, Legolas, I cannot take it any longer, come to me! Come to me Leggy." Legolas approached Frodo slowly and sat in front of him. "Legolas let me see you." Legolas repressed a laugh. Frodo quickly pulled up his lethal weapon and Legolas grabbed it pointing it towards Frodo's head. "Any last words?" He said. Frodo shivered and said "the best part of waking up is Folgers's in your cup." Legolas squeezed the hot dog and shot Frodo in the abdomen. "You, bitch." Frodo gasped before falling over sideways. Legolas grabbed his body and tossed it off the peak. "Off to find my seductress bear Borm- bor!" Legolas ran quickly away from the scene of the murder and on the way was saw Pippin & Gimli doing the electric slide, nude. Legolas brushed it off and ran to his tent. Boromir now knew how Legolas felt about him and they embraced. "Awwww." Said Aragorn crying and Legolas jumped. "Come on Argy babe; let's leave these two to some privacy." Said Merry laughing. Aragorn and Merry left holding hands and Legolas began kissing Boromir. Now that they were alone they felt so together.  
  
They began to kiss some more & Boromir removed his clothing, and Legolas' clothing. They were having much fun until someone came barging into the tent. "Can't we have any fucking priva-" Legolas stopped as he saw who it was. FRODO! "I'll be damned! I fucking killed you!" Legolas said in disbelief. "You did Legolas, oh yes you did, and now," he said dangerously, "I came back as, drum-roll please, Frodo the white!" Boromir stared. Legolas stared. Frodo stared. "So what the hell does being white have to do with anything? Huh? Get the fuck out of here and leave us tan brothers ALONE! We're trying to have sex here!" Said Legolas. "Yeah, sod off." Added Boromir. "Fiiiine, I was just gonna ask if you wanted to do some Richard Simmons tapes with me, but nooooo," he said half whining. "Richard Simmons! I love- "Legolas began."Get the fuck out of here man! Er, hobbit! We're busy." Said Boromir. "Well Jesus, ya could have kindly asked me to leave, but nooooo, yer so mean! MAN!" Said Frodo the white, clambering out of the tent. Legolas rolled his eyes and Boromir pulled him close. They resumed their activity but once more, they were disrupted.  
  
Gandalf ran into the tent wildly waving his staff. Not his wooden, magical one mind you. Boromir screamed but Legolas sat in awe. "Damn Gandy, your dick is less wrinkly than any old guys I've ever seen! What do you use, Oil of Olay or Neutrogena? Or something else?" "Actually Legolas I prefer the" Gandalf began. "Oh fuck it, no time for idle talk now, where's Frodo? I need him bad! This is an emergency!" He said. "Did someone die?" Asked Boromir. "No, no, but my sex drive will soon. I overheard Mer & Argy going at it like rabbits and figured I might as well have some fun before we leave camp." Legolas & Boromir cringed. "Sure Gan, Frodo the white just ran off." Said Legolas. Gandalf felt very abashed & hurt when he heard the phrase 'Frodo the white.' "The white? But I'm supposed to be the white? I have to fight a huge fucking Balrog in a little bit just to get white, what'd he do to become white? I'm supposed to be white." He said sadly. "Too fucking bad. Get the fuck out dude, go whack off or some shit; just leave us the hell alone! Damn!" Said Boromir irritably. "Fine, God dude, take a frickin break, calm your hormones." Said Gandalf backing out.  
  
"And don't come the fuck back!" Boromir said throwing out Gandalf's staff behind him. "Baby, chill, come on, let's continue." Legolas said softly, indicating his cot. And so they were left in peace for the rest of the night. Some, it seems, were not quite as peaceful. Gimli broke the second heart in two days by telling Pippin to sod off and pointing out that "you're the ugliest damn bloke I've ever seen!" Pippin began to cry and ran to the river, but Gimli however sat down at the same spot Frodo supposedly died at. There were many dead birds lying on the ground. "Strange." He muttered. He began mulling things over in his mind. Why was he so bitter? He knew why, it all started in Rivendell. The day Gimli, son of Gloin was chosen to go to represent the dwarves at a meeting in Rivendell, land of the elves, he was very excited indeed. He packed his fanciest clothes and his hair kit. When he arrived in Rivendell he was rooming with a young Elvin archer named Legolas. They got along fine and all was good and jolly, until one day, Gimli, son of Gloin came back to his room to find that his hair kit was missing. He started a search party but they had no luck.  
  
Soon they left Rivendell and Gimli didn't have his hair kit. But Gimli seems to remember one thing from the night of the crime, "Nasssty tricksssy dwarfisses, they takes our hair kits," "No! Dwarfy good, good dwarf," "You fool! He tooks our hair stuff, looks! We's going bald! Take it back, it's ours!" "No! No! No!" "Mine, my own, my preciousss." Gimli wasn't the same without his hair kit. "I'm just not the same without my hair kit." He felt afraid of pursuing a relationship because they might notice his unkempt hair and leave him. "I feel afraid of pursuing a relationship because they might notice my unkempt hair and leave me!" But as he heard the far off wails of his electric slide partner, and thought over all of the good things they had done together, he decided that this relationship should be pursued, unkempt hair or not. He got up from his spot and ran towards the wails, tripping a good five or six times along the way. "Pippin!" He said as he approached him. "I have nothing to say to you Gimli. son of Gloin." Muttered Pippin stubbornly. "Good, cause I have some things to say to you. I know I hurt you baby, but, I've had a lot of time to think by myself and," He cleared his throat.  
  
"Well, you are the cutest damn bloke I've ever seen, and I'm the dumbest, damn bloke. Baby, I really love you! And miss you. I've been so hurt, so scared, so unfeeling since I left Rivendell, what with my missing hair kit and all, and my mind has been a mess (along with my hair.) Please, take me back." Said Gimli pleadingly. "Gimli, I had no idea, your own hair kit!" Said Pippin breathlessly. "I'm so insensitive." Pippin whined. "Oh, oh no baby, you're perfect!" Pippin slowly drew in a breath, wiped his tears away and muttered, "Up for some electric slide?" Meanwhile, Aragorn had gotten himself into a pretty bad fix. He got his head stuck in between two tree branches. Merry stood back holding an empty tub of Crisco and a super-size bottle of Herbal Essences shampoo. "Merry! It hurts!" Whined Aragorn crying. "Don't pull at it sweety, it'll only make it worse." Merry said rubbing Aragorn's back. "Help me, it really hurts! It's pulling my hair out too!" "Argy hun, there is absolutely nothing I can do, unless you want me to try to find some more Crisco? It almost did the trick." He said. "Naw, I'll just sit here, helpless, alone, with my fucking ass itching like hell."  
  
Merry picked up the empty Crisco tub and chucked it into the trees. Gandalf the grey suppressed a cry. He heard almost everything that was going on except for that Aragorn's head was stuck in a tree. So as you can imagine, the situation, what with the Crisco and shampoo bottle looked very disgusting. Gandalf quickly stepped back from the Crisco tub. "Ew!" He squealed. "Gosh darned mental cases, can't go two fucking seconds without going and having sex, then again, I can't talk, my own partner won't even fuck me!" He exclaimed. Gandalf was not a very happy camper today, he was having some problems. he felt very miffed after his little episode with Frodo, or, 'Frodo "The Evil Hobbit Prat Who Deserves To Die" son of Drogo' as Gandalf now called him. Gandalf had tried to get Frodo to have some fun with him by tempting him with a new staff and some margarita's but obviously Frodo "The Evil Hobbit Prat Who Deserves To Die" son of Drogo had felt himself above banging someone of a smaller order. That's why Frodo was currently in a secret hobbit hole he dug with his rabbit like teeth, drinking Gandalf's margaritas with Saruman.  
  
Gandalf charged out of the trees towards Aragorn & Merry afraid of what he might see. The sight left Gandalf breathless with laughter. Aragorn, whose head was stuck in a tree, squealing about Merry getting shampoo into his eyes. "Gandalf!" Yelled Merry. "Please get him out of here." Gandalf did not feel like handling someone else's problems but if they were gonna head for Caradhras today than they had to move out. "Fine." He said advancing on Aragorn. He reached for Aragorn's neck and with an almighty wrench pulled it free. Aragorn let out a scream like a freight train and collapsed on the ground screaming in agony. "What the fuck did you do?" Asked Merry incredulously. "Only what was necessary, you would've used all the Crisco! We're moving out today. Get ready." He said walking away. Gandalf went into each of the tents and whacking all of them with his staff at least twice before he managed to get them ready to leave. Frodo was very disgruntled because Gandalf had stormed into his hobbit hole while Saruman and he were role-playing as two French farmers lost on the Titanic.  
  
Gandalf kicked Saruman out and carried Frodo to camp. "Stupid bitch! Get off of me!" He screamed all the way. Everyone was ready to go so they set off. They went some ways peacefully but finally someone broke the quiet. "Gandalf! Pippin's kicking me!" Whined Merry. "Pippin, stop it!" Said Gandalf. "Fiiine." Pippin said rolling his eyes. Sam walked at the back of the group feeling very lonely. "Everyone here has gotten boinked at least once since we left Rivendell except for me! Hmmm, let's see, Gandalf has a staff, that must be what works to his advantage. I think I need a staff." Sam trailed off into the woods to find a staff. They were nearing the mountain Caradhras so the staff might help with more than one thing. He looked around for a branch to use but just as he found the perfect branch to break he heard two voices yelling. "God damn it Sauron! If I've told you once, then I've told you fucking twice!" "Now, listen here Hitler, I've been good to you, so why the hell are you doing this?" "Why the hell am I doing this? WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS? YOU FUCKING RETARD!!! I am doing this, Sauron, because you have not been good to me." He said dabbing his eyes.  
  
"Considering you constantly degrade me, always making fun of my obsession with blue eyed blonde haired little elves and the way you always laugh at my little mustache! I've had it up to here!" "Fine, you know what Hitler? When I take total power over the world and you are left as a useless piece of crap that has absolutely nowhere to go, then we'll see how good I can be to you when you come poncing back!" Sam was shocked. He sat down on a log listening to Hitler cry. Finally, Sam figured, "if he's single, and so am I, then why don't I go see if he digs brown haired, brown eyed little hobbits." Sam laughed mischievously and ran into the clearing. Hitler looked up in puzzlement. "Who the hell are you?" "Your dream!" Sam said climbing over to Hitler. Needless to say, Hitler was in serious need of a good banging as there is only so much you can do with an eye. When Hitler and Sam had finished there little episode Sam took Hitler's hand and walked with him to camp. "So, why didn't it work out with you and Sauron?" "I guess ya know, two dictators in a relationship, one wants his own way and the other wants his own way, we just weren't meant to be."  
  
(A/N: Hope ya liked, it's a bit dumb, but I think Boromir and Legolas sound so cute together, I mean, in this story, not actually. No, don't wanna think about what would happen if Orlando Bloom and Sean Bean got together, I'd frankly be happy for them, yet, forlorn, thinking of all the cute babies they could've made with the decent women. Enough of my ramblings, see ya next time!) 


	3. Sam finally finds happiness, sort of

(A/N: Well, last chapter Hitler and Sam met, they were off to meet the rest of the Fellowship. Hope you like this, it's sort of dumb, but, hey, so am I!)  
  
Sam smiled as they approached the nights camp. Legolas was standing right on the path. Hitler stopped as he eyed Legolas. "Blonde hair, blue eyed, little elf." He muttered. Legolas approached the couple slowly and shook hands with Hitler. "Hello, I'm Legolas Greenleaf, Elvin prince of Mirkwood. And you are?" He asked politely. Hitler, staring transfixed at Legolas stammered a bit. "Uh, erm, um, oh, my name? Hitler Johnson, I mean, Adolph Hitler, of the uh, Nazi clan, thing, we execute Jews." He said proudly. Legolas looked confused, "come again?" "Uh, we execute Jews, Jewish. er, people. Yeah, that's um, my job." Hitler said awkwardly. "I'm afraid I've never heard of Jews, but, um, if that's your choice, more power to ya." Said Legolas backing away. Sam put his arm around Hitler and they strode into camp where they met up with Frodo, Gandalf & Merry. "Where's Argy at Mer?" Asked Sam. "Uh, ya see, Gandalf sorta accidentally broke his neck so Gimli is making him a cast at the moment. And who is this you have with you?" Asked Merry eying Hitler suspiciously. Gandalf closed his eyes tightly. "Balrog, demon of the underworld. Run!" Said Gandalf opening his eyes.  
  
Merry looked confused, as did Frodo. "Oops, heh heh, wrong line. Hitler, dictator and biggest asshole to ever come out of Germany." Gandalf corrected himself. "So, you're an asshole. That's cool, might I ask exactly where 'Germany' is?" Said Frodo uninterestedly. "Yeah, it's in Europe." Hitler said. Frodo and Merry began whispering. "Germany, Europe, I believe that's a small town south of Minas Tirith." "Merry you dumb-ass, It's right by Rohan, I believe its original name was 'Helms Deep.'" Replied Frodo. "Well all, Hitler and I have to go meet the others. Well, Hitler has to meet the others. Exactly where are Gimli & Aragorn?" "In the first tent, Pippin is in there as well." Said Gandalf. Sam and Hitler hand in hand approached the second tent. As they entered they saw a disgruntled looking Aragorn sitting on a bench with a big wooden block around his neck. Gimli was sitting across from him with a chisel in his hand and Pippin was holding back a laugh as he stared at Aragorn. "Aragorn, Pippin, Gimli, this is Hitler." "Hello, glad to meet ya mate!" Said Pippin cheerily. "Happy, happy, happy! Rejoice, cheer, joy. While everyone here has full use of their necks," He said pointing to the block.  
  
"I am sitting here in agony. God bless the whole fucking world!" Said Aragorn harshly. Gimli grunted a "hi" as he stared impolitely at Hitler. "Why, Gimli! I had no idea! Sammy never told me he was talking about you!" Said Hitler. "You two know each other?" Asked Sam. "Yeah, we competed against each other for the Miss Middle-Earth title." Muttered Gimli. "Really? Who won?" Complete silence. No answer. The sound of crickets chirping outside. Absolute stillness. You get the picture. "Um, actually, I won, Sammy. Gim has never quite been the same." Laughed Hitler. "YOU BITCH!" Screamed Gimli punching Hitler in the face. "Gimli! I am so ashamed! Come on Hitler." Yelled Sam dragging Hitler out. "Let's go find Boromir, at least he's civilized!" Off they set to search out Boromir. It didn't take them very long as he was attracted by Hitler's girly, high pitched shrieks. "Boromir, Hitler. Hitler, Boromir." Said Sam as he indicated each of them at the sound of their names. "Pleased to meet you Hitler." Said Boromir. Legolas walked up behind Boromir and began rubbing his back. "Baby, I need some help with this box-like thing I found," He said cutely.  
  
"Apparently you're supposed to see something in it but all I see is my gorgeous face, not that I'm complaining." He said with a wink. Hitler stood rooted to the spot and as he watched that luscious wink he melted. "Baby, have you tried pressing the little dots, ya know with the half triangles on them?" Said Boromir as he began to walk off with Legolas. "I already told you, they don't work." "So Hit, watcha think of my pals?" Asked Sam. "Their, great!" He said eying Legolas's ass. He licked his lips. Sam led him to a beautiful spot where they could watch the sunset. "Oh Sam, it's gorgeous." Said Hitler. They sat like that until it got dark. Then they got up and went into their tent. Hitler couldn't sleep for a few things, like Aragorn and Merry not shutting up once. "Argy, I can't help it, Gimli's cast is bound to be uncomfortable but it's better than practically decapitating yourself!" "Merry, please, help me." Said Aragorn through sobs. "I'll kill that God damned Gandalf, hurting my baby." And so it went on all night, threats towards Gandalf from Merry and threats of suicide from Aragorn. But another thing weighed on Hitler's mind. Like Legolas.  
  
He got up and walked towards Legolas and Boromir's tent. They were both asleep. Hitler lifted the flap and peeked inside. Legolas's long, silky Pantene Pro-V hair rippled from a soft wind. "Beautiful," remarked Hitler. He snuck into the tent and lifted the sleeping Legolas. He snuck down the hill and into the woods all the while Legolas stayed asleep. Hitler laid him down and began to stroke his face. Legolas woke up and screamed. "Ah! Get the fuck away from me, you, you, bitch!" He screeched. "Oh Legolas, no need to be so mean, I won't harm you, I love blue-eyed blonde haired little elf boys, & men." He said rubbing his tummy. "You won't love me after this." Legolas kneed him in the balls and stood up over him. "I've been raped before, and trust me, it won't fucking happen again. By the Hitler, I'm a Jew. I'm Jewish. Only reason I played dumb with you was because I didn't have a fucking death wish, I didn't wanna wake up to the smell of the frickin' gas chamber. Nor did I want to wake up to the smell of you. It frankly smells, a bit like horse shit." Legolas grabbed his wrists and pinned him to the ground. He reached for something around his neck.  
  
To Hitler's great surprise he pulled out a miniature horn of Gondor. He blew hard on it and within a second or two the whole fellowship came charging through the trees. Boromir in his Barbie nightgown and Frodo wearing a lacy slip. Merry and Aragorn had nothing on except for towels and Sam was wearing a shower cap and Adidas nightshirt while Pippin was wearing a shirt with a picture of Marijuana on that said "I love you Mary Jane." Gimli & Gandalf both had on shirts that say "Beauty queen." It was quite an odd-looking affair. "Hey Gimli, nice shirt!" Said Gandalf. "Ooh! Gandy, we have the same shirts!" Squealed Gimli. Sam stepped forward as he looked at the scene before him. "What the?" "He tried to rape me, now he's going to kill me because I'm a Jew." Said Legolas. "A Jew, hmm, isn't that one of those people who pisses on walls to make artwork and then they get paid for it?" Asked Merry. "Merry you dumb-ass, It's a religion." Said Gimli. "A what? A region you say? Okay." Said Merry. "Merry you dumb-ass, a RELIGION." Said Gandalf. "Oookaay! Gosh, I might as well legally change my name to dumb-ass; I've been called that like three times today!" Said Merry grumpily.  
  
"Can we get to the fucking point?" Said Legolas. "Of course." Said Gandalf. "We need to hold a trial to decide what to do with ditz lover here." "Hey, I'm not a ditz!" Protested Legolas. "Yeah, yeah, that's nice. Come along." Said Gandalf. They all headed for camp with Hitler in hand cuffs. "Hey, did someone here used to be a cop? Where'd we get these handcuffs?" Asked Gimli. "Their Merry & Aragorn's." Said Legolas. "Ooh, kinky." Said Frodo with a sly smile. "Yes, well, we pride ourselves on it." Said Merry as Aragorn laughed. They soon reached the camp and Gandalf took up position of judge. "Aight ya'll, we're here for the trial of Hitler Johnson." Said Gandalf. "Adolph Hitler." Corrected Sam. "Hittie, how could you try to hurt my friend?" Asked Sam. "I never meant to, it, it, was his hair!" Said Hitler. Sam began to cry loudly and Merry began laughing. "What the fuck is so funny?" Asked Pippin. "Sam cries like a girl." Pippin burst out laughing, as did everyone else except for Hitler and Gandalf, and of course, Sam. "Shut the fuck up! God merry, you're a major dumb-ass." That certainly shut Merry up. "Okay, for trying to rape, and murder our dear friend, what do you suggest we do?"  
  
"I say we beat the fuck out him, and then we kill him!" Said Merry. "Merry you dumb-ass, stop speaking out of turn!" Said Gandalf. Merry went red and flicked Gandalf off. "Alright, since Legolas was the real victim here, I suggest that we let him decide." Said Gandalf ignoring Merry's rude gesture. "I say we beat the fuck out him, then we kill him!" Said Legolas. "Why Legolas, what a great idea!" Said Gandalf. Merry who was now looking very frustrated managed to sputter out "but, but I just fucking said the same damned thing!" He said. "Shut up dumb-ass, stop speaking out of turn." Said Boromir. Pippin started laughing. "Pippin, what the fuck is so god damned funny now?" Asked Frodo who was obviously irritated. "Merry is a dumb-ass!" Pippin pointed out. "Well no shit Sherlock! S'matter o' fact, you are too!" Said Frodo. "Am not!" "Are too!" "Am not!" "Are too!" "Am not!" "Are too!" "Am n-" "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Yelled Sam. "Let's get this over with!" "Very well, someone get the pop rocks and someone get the Dr. Pepper." Said Gandalf. "I will!" Yelled Pippin. "Fine, go, shoo!" Pippin ponced off to retrieve the objects and everyone was silent.  
  
"Please don't kill me!" Begged Hitler. "Shut up you retard." Said Legolas. Suddenly a giant rumbling made everyone shut up. "What the.?" A giant eye bounced in through the trees. "Hitler, I've come to kill you dear!" Said the eye. "SAURON!" Yelled Gandalf. "You're not supposed to be in this part crack-head!" "Oh Gandy shut your mouth, I've come to retrieve my lil' Nazi. I'm planning on killing him." Said Sauron. "Here he is!" Said Merry. "Oh, it's the dumb-ass! Where is he you say?" "Here!" Said Legolas pointing to Hitler. "Saurry, please, don't kill me! I love you." Begged Hitler. "Shut- up you slut. I am an eye, I see everything. Like you and Sammy here, bumpin the tent. Now, I'm gonna take you back to Mordor and make you wish you were never born!" Said Sauron unmercifully. Everyone watched wide eyed as Sauron grabbed Hitler with newly sprouted hands and ponced off singing "what a girl wants." "Wow! That was easy, we didn't even have to do it!" Said Legolas. Sam sat down sobbing. "I finally find a good man and some big ass eye comes and takes him." "Well Sam, we would've killed the bastard anyway." Pointed out Merry.  
  
"Yeah but Merry you dumb-ass, I would've at least been able to say good- bye." He replied. Legolas rolled his eyes and followed Boromir back to his tent. Everyone went back to their tents and fell asleep. The morning came too soon for the Fellowship. They woke up very grumpily and no one felt like climbing a mountain. It was very quiet and no one spoke unless they were insulting Merry. Before they set off that day they had a bit of a dilemma. Gimli & Frodo got in a fight because Frodo called him an "ugly ass tele- tubbie." So Pippin jumped in and they were both whooping Frodo's ass until Sam & Gandalf jumped in to defend Frodo. Legolas tried to break it up until he got whacked with Gandalf's staff, twice. He jumped in and Boromir obviously felt the need to protect his baby so HE jumped in and Merry sat amused in front of the luggage. He watched for some time but like all good things, it had to end, and it did. Everyone except Merry & Aragorn had some sort of wound by the time it ended, well, Aragorn did have a major handicap. Right before they set off for Caradhras Pippin noticed something was missing. "Er, Merry, you dumb-ass, did you let Bill go?"  
  
(A/N: Okay, the end to another chapter, hope you liked it. Ever notice that I always put that? Well, it's true. So, until next time.) 


	4. Sam and the fellowship, find happiness i...

( A/N: Hitler gets taken by Sauron, Sam is sad, Pippin asks about Bill, my short and stupid summary of last chapter. All of my chapter names seem to correspond, like the journey begins and the fun begins, then there's the "sort of" on the end of the fun begins and there is a "sort of" on the end of Sam finds happiness. I'm truly confusing. Deeply sorry. Anyway, please read and review! It's pointless to put that, no one will! )  
  
"Uh, er, no, not exactly." He muttered. "What the hell do you mean, 'not exactly?'" "Well, I sorta, sheesh, is it hot out here or just me?" He asked timidly. "Oh, just you baby." Replied Aragorn. "MERRY! WHERE IS BILL!?!?" Boomed Gandalf. "I shot him! Okay? Gosh, with Legolas' bow." He said. Everyone stared blankly at Merry. "You ate Bill?" Sam managed to mutter. "He was scary, he, he, tried to kill me! What the hell was I supposed to do?" He asked. "You ate Bill?" Sam forced himself to mutter. "Yes, Sam, I ate your god-damned precious Bill. Chill okay?" "You ate Bill?" Sam said before passing out. While Sam was unable to make human contact he thought on one thing. Bill. He thought back to Rivendell when Bill was always there for him. My Bill. He soon woke up to the smell of food. Food, yum!!! He sat up and saw the whole Fellowship chowing down on Spam and Pork Rhines. His eyes were red and he thought about Bill. "Oh get over it Sam!" He thought. The whole fellowship except for Aragorn, Merry & Pippin. "Morning!" Said Legolas brightly. "Ready to eat?" "Where are the others?" Sam asked. "Off in the woods doing something." Said Gimli. Merry, Aragorn and Pippin sat in a small circle, huddled together.  
  
Merry, Aragorn and Pippin sat in a small circle, huddled together. To anyone looking in from the outside it would have merely looked like three people gathered around a fire, a smoking fire, perhaps listening to tales, but however, this was not the case. "Argy, pass the pot!" Said Pippin drowsily. "Here Piper, whoah!" Said Aragorn as he slumped sideways. "Know what? I'm pretty when your drunk." Said Merry. "Merry, you dumb-ass, we're not drunk." Pippin pointed out. "Shhh, I think Hilary Clinton and Bill are fighting." "Really?" "Yeah, heh heh!" "I'm so high! I think I can reach the sky, hey! I rhymed!" "Merry you dumb-ass! High and sky do not rhyme!" Said "Hey Legolas, come get high with us!" Yelled Merry as the rest of the fellowship came trotting through the trees. "Well, as long as it's aight with Gandy." He said. "Well, we're right at the foot of Caradhras, I guess its okay as long as we set off before tomorrow." Gandalf said. The remains of the group walked over to the three potheads and sat down. "Here, Leggy, take the blunt, it's that good shit, the ya know, spawn of Satan shit. Straight from Mordor." Said Aragorn. Legolas took a long deep suck. "Oh, that's some good shit." He said.  
  
"Here, try some Sam, god knows you could use it." Said Gandalf as Legolas handed him the joint. "I, I, erm, can't." He said. "Of course you can! What, are you afraid yer old Gaffer'll come down and condemn you to hell or some shit?" Said Frodo. "No, physically I can't. I got asthma, can't inhale smoke or I'll die." Sam said simply. "Oh Sam, did Elrond tell you that? He just said that asthmatics can't smoke so that you wouldn't steal his stash. But his efforts weren't effective anyway because Pippin already nipped it before we left." Said Frodo. "Okay, maybe I'll try a little." Said Sam. "Good." Said Gandalf surrendering the weed filled pipe. Two hours later the fellowship lie coughing and laughing in a heap of tangled bodies. "Aha! Merry! Look, your hair is sticking up." Everyone glanced at Merry and burst out laughing again. Sam had smoked more than anyone that night despite his vow to only try a little. Sam was laughing so hard that he began to cough. And cough. And cough. And cough. Everyone gazed lazily at him while he tried to regain oxygen. It wasn't very easy as he was higher than the sun at noon and he was STILL laughing.  
  
Merry suddenly screamed out "Oh my God, SAM IS GONNA DIE!" The fellowship sat quietly staring wide eyed at Sam. Merry started laughing, which triggered Gandalf, and Pippin, and Gimli, and Legolas, and Boromir and so on, so forth. Sam suddenly gasped a breath and he fell down, exhausted. "He's dead, hahaha!" Screamed Pippin laughing. Everyone was laughing. Including Sam as he got up. "I'm not dead dumb-ass, wait, you're not Merry, what the fuck ever, I was just coughing for fucks sake." He pointed out. "THE GHOST OF SAM WALKS!" Yelled Boromir and everyone exploded with laughter. "Hey, you guys, we got anymore magic herb?" Sam asked. "Naw, but I got something that you can mix with it, and it'll make you feel so wasted, It's about as good as what we're doing now, mix this crazy shit with some alcohol and we could get major-" Said Gimli before he was interrupted. "Dead?" Asked Pippin. "Naw, it's healthy." He said pulling out a bag of powder. "Hey, Pippin, isn't that what you used to make our cake with?" "Yeah, I thought it was flour." Said Pippin with a goofy grin. Everyone laughed, again.  
  
"Okay you guys, this stuff comes specially imported from the mines of Moria, its called Mithril powder. I believe the elves call it 'fairy dust?'" Said Gimli. "Nah, that's different shit, way wicked, and besides, it's 'Elf dust,' get it straight Gim. I think what you have is called, cocaine." Said Legolas laughing, like everyone else. "I thought there was something funny about that cake. And considering I kept sniffing it, thinking it smelled so good, that's probably why I got so high that one time, and to think I kept going on about someone drugging the Crisco tub." Said Merry bringing up the cake again. "So! Who wants to try some?" Said Gimli pulling out a plate and a McDonald's straw. "ME! OH! PICK ME!" Yelled Pippin. "Alrighty son, be my guest." Pippin grabbed the straw and stuck it up his nose. He dumped the powder on the plate and began to snort. "Wow! This shit is really weird, my nose feels like I just stuck a fucking pencil up it, it burns." Pippin complained. "Oh shut up ya big baby," Said Gandalf snatching the drug. The cocaine made it fully around the circle. Twice, three times, four times, five, wait no, not five. Pippin accidentally started laughing while the straw pointed to the powder.  
  
It blew everywhere. "It's snowing." Said Boromir laughing. He seemed to be the only one capable of speech. Finally Gimli mustered up his strength and muttered "maybe the third time around the circle was enough." "Yeah man, I'm as high as I was when I first saw Argy." Said Merry. "Thank-ya babe. You get me high too." Said Aragorn. "I don't think we'll be heading for Caradhras today." Droned Gandalf. "Who the hell am I? And why is my mommy fucking Elrond?" Asked Frodo stupidly. Everyone used their last remaining strength to laugh hard as hell. Sam pulled himself up and slumped back down. He repeated this several times until he finally managed to get his shirt stuck to a log, which held him in place. "What do we do now?" "Well, I suggest we sleep, considering we just got so high we could reach farther than frickin Neil Armstrong." "Who?" Asked Merry. "The first man on middle- earth dumb-ass." Said Gandalf. "Oh, right." Said Merry tiredly. They all managed to get a good sleep except for Aragorn, who had neck and hunger pains that hurt like hell. He slowly crawled back to his tent and rolled himself in. He grabbed all of the provisions in each tent, though it took him a very long time as he couldn't walk.  
  
Once he had retrieved the food the greedy ass went and ate every last bite. He even chewed up Gandalf's staff, "who knew wood tasted so good?" He thought to himself. But what he did next was the low of all lows, he crawled into the woods and began digging up the rest of poor Bill, he followed Merry one night and found out where he was hiding him. Merry was slick, but not slick enough, traveling with the company then sneaking all the way back to the previous days spot to retrieve Bill then burying him near the new campsite. Aragorn ate Bill greedily after waiting hungrily for him to cook. Aragorn's intentions were good, he tried to save one tub of Crisco for the rest of the Fellowship but hunger overtook kindness and he devoured it. Aragorn rolled himself all the way back to the wasted fellowship and slept peacefully in Merry's arms. The whole crew woke at around noon (A/N: Not shire time here, just regular) and they all sleepily and hungrily got up. Aragorn was satisfied though naturally, after eating over half a horse and all of the Rivendell food, AND everything else that they gathered along the way. Everyone cheerily ponced into camp to retrieve some food but stopped in their tracks.  
  
"What the?" Legolas said nearly fainting. "I'll fucking go insane if I can't get some food into my tummy!" He said. "But there is none left," said Boromir frowning as he came out of the tent. Looks like I'll just be eating dick for the next couple o' days Legolas, same with you!" "But Borm, it's not the same, you can't actually EAT dick, you just suck it." Everyone stood back not listening to Legolas and Boromir. "W-w-well, we'll j-j-j- just hafta m-make our w-w-way without any-anything for a b-b- it." Said Gandalf shaking from hunger. He walked slowly into his tent to pack up and screamed. "OH FUCK NO, OH FUCK NO! STUPID BITCH! OH FUCKING ELBERETH! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY STAFF! THEY FUCKING TOOK MY STAFF!" Gandalf yelled loudly. He began to wail and Frodo screamed over the noise, "For fucks sake Gandy, we just got so high yesterday that we couldn't talk without laughing, now our heads hurt, please don't Elbereth damned add to it!" Gandalf came out red-eyed, (though normally when you smoke weed you tend to be,) or, more red-eyed than before. "Sorry Frodo, well, let's head out crew."  
  
Everyone grumpily packed up and walked away from the last campsite. Legolas however had to run back to retrieve something they'd dropped and when he caught up with the fellowship he was laughing. "We must have been really, really high last night. The moment I walked back into camp a cloud of our pot smoke surrounded me and bout made me high, again. It's really thick too, I heard the trees all groaning and shit, think we did them a favor, they probably haven't been high since the first age." He said. Everyone laughed, imitating the previous night's behavior. "I wonder who really ate everything." Said Aragorn discreetly. "Yeah, I mean, it was probably an Orc, or a wolf, or a," Merry continued on for a while until Pippin kicked him. He stopped sharply and whined "Gandalf! Pippin's kicking me!" "Repeat! Repeat!" Said Boromir. "Pippin, stop it!" Said Gandalf. "Fiiine." Pippin said rolling his eyes. "Oh Elbereth that's freaky, they did the EXACT same thing like a couple of days ago." Said Boromir. Merry pushed Pippin who then fell down a hill. "I'll be Elbereth damned, there's a shit-load of food down here!" Yelled Pippin. Boromir peered over the cliff and sure enough, they were saved.  
  
(A/N: Well, I'm done with this. See I write ten fourteen lined paragraphs (that's the length on Microsoft word at least) and that's how long every one of these chapters will be. I just think it's better to keep organized. I don't just write to write, I write when I feel an inspiration, or when a computers near. Okay, I'm a freak. Tomorrows my birthday! YAY! MONEY! Well, good-bye, I'm off to eat some hamburgers, very hungry for food in my tummy!) 


End file.
